Not My Usual Post

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So often, I find myself cornered by… myself.

May I share with you how I feel today? If you’ll indulge me, I’ll attempt to keep it brief.

As a man, I make many, many mistakes. I wonder sometimes if I’m more of the sinner than the saint. Don’t misunderstand, I know that I am saved; I know who I am through Christ. I am a new creation, and praise God!

But, today, I feel alone. Yes, God is here, and forgive me, Father, for feeling alone. It’s just that here I am at work, having been through so much. I did it to myself, having verbally assaulted one of my co-workers over the dumbest thing. And for what? For my own ego and pride. But, that was months ago, and I got spoken to by a representative from HR and my manager. And I was told where I stand. I know the expectations, and I understand my part in it all. And, yet, today, my manager’s boss is here.

He is here to bring a close to this event. And, once more, I am under the gun, having done nothing more than the original event. He has informed me that I am on my last chance. There will be no more given. And the other party? That person is smugly trying to get me fired, even now. I know I am supposed to pray for this person, and give it to the Lord and just trust Him with making it good.

And I know who I am versus who I was. I once was the most selfish person alive. I once didn’t care about anyone or anything. And now, I care, but that guy I used to be? He shows up and wrecks so much.

And now, again, because I did this in allowing that ugly head to be reared, I feel alone. I cannot speak with anyone I work with about this, because there are so many ears in the walls, and gossip seeps through them so easily. I have no confidant here, no human being to trust. I know I am alone when I look around at these who are near, and so I am writing this in the hopes that somehow, God will help me release it. I’m hoping God holds me so close that no matter what happens today, no matter what is said, no matter what unreasonable and nigh impossible restrictions and expectations get further placed upon me that I feel Him and His comfort and joy.

Because this moment, though I am not so much worried for my job, I sit condemned by my co-workers as they all sit in wait for the old Marcus to show up again. And to be honest, he wants to confront each and every one of these people. So, if you would, please pray for me. Pray to the Lord that His Will be done, and in the process, my heart calms down and turns solely to God, trusting in His goodness.

Maybe I won’t have a job at the end of this day. I don’t know. I have been assured, with great restriction, that I remain employed, but the time continues to pass and the other person continues to argue for my dismissal in the boss’s office.

God’s Will be done.

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